Originally ran in the UTimes: 3/1/07
Once again, it's time to celebrate the Affirmative Action bake sale, where in their ever-so-startling manner, the College Republicans attempt to satirize affirmative action by feeding the delusion that it hasn't improved the employment levels for all ethnic groups and isn't first based on basic job qualifications. This time around, they've gone a step further and included the famous Martin Luther King quote to mesh the idea of equal rights. It's a good thing they didn't paste any of his quotes regarding the federal neglect of the urban poor or his outcry against the Vietnam conflict and its supporters, or the student populace might start to recognize the inherent contradictions.
Regardless, the idea is to draw attention to affirmative action and generate a local movement to end the practice.
On one condition: we take the idea of forced equality even further and mandate that whites should be set on an even keel and enjoy all the blessings and burdens of minorities. Let's require that 26.4 percent of whites live in poverty and 56.3 percent never receive a high school diploma or bachelor's degree.
Let's establish even harsher health care stipulations so that whites have 2.4 times the current infant mortality rate and are 30 percent more likely to die from heart disease while being 30 percent less likely to get influenza shots after 65. Heck, let's make sure to cut all male paychecks by 30 percent so on a national level, women no longer feel underpaid. There, everyone's equal!
In the meantime, the repetition of this bake sale has led me to believe that the healthy 18- to 25-year-old, war-supporting Republicans of this campus are once again running out of ideas. I refuse to let our fellow students feel disheartened, and once again, I present some ideas that put the 'fun' back in 'Repfunublican':
Chalabi Citations: Need some legitimate-looking research without letting that annoying reality get in the way of your talking points? Drop your research paper, presentation, or resume off at one of our tables and for a nominal fee, we can polish it up with enough hand-picked sources to start a war with. Remember, as Rumsfeld would say, "The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence." Just because I can't prove Bigfoot shot Kennedy doesn't mean it didn't happen.
Intelligent Defense: We've all had our conflicts with belief in the school system, so you know this scenario is all-too-familiar: some people (i.e. the campus police, witnesses, your professor) would like to believe you may have vandalized your professor's car and then drove it at 95 off an unfinished interstate ramp. Some people (you) would like to believe you didn't. Rather than set a solid verdict in stone, don't our students deserve to hear both sides of the controversy and make up their own minds?
Learn this technique and more on how to ostracize anyone (students, teachers, police officers) whose agenda interferes with yours at one of these fun-filled sessions in McKnight Hall! It's sponsored by Young Americans.
Foley's Facebook: Are the University's Web masters giving you a hard time over the chat postings you've had on the online profiles of other students? Stop by the table with the Dennis Hastert balloons, and we can bring any investigation to the screeching halt it deserves. Remember, just because we're allowed to read other people's mail doesn't mean the Justice Department is allowed to know what you've been doing online, or what was censored from the 9-11 Commission, or how many times Jack Abramoff and Ken Lay visited the White House.
World Wide Weapons Program: Now everyone can take a hint from Hoekstra, Robert and Bush and learn how fun and informative it is to write HTML with classified weapons information. Check out our tables with the laptop wireless connection for free pamphlets, links and demonstrations on bringing the schematics and chemical tables of nukes or any other freedom-defending explosive you can think of to your Web site, for all to see. Next we can teach browsers how to fly jet liners too!
Guliani Drag Contest: Watch as the College Republicans team up with PRIDE to put on the fashion show that … on second thought, scratch this one.
Left in mind: Ever have the feeling that certain people actually think and act differently than you, and that this frame of mind is bent on the ultimate destruction of everything we hold valuable? That's because if you're not with us, you're a member of the global, God-hating, terrorist-worshiping conspiracy known as … the Left. Every one of them thinks the exact same way and are all connected through a vast network that has seeped into every corner of our culture: the media, the academia, the entertainment … the Left controls everything! Learn more about how to fight The Left conspiracy at one of our interest meetings in our fallout bunker beneath an undisclosed location. Free tin foil hats available at the door.
Alito Bouncers: Just because women, minorities and pro-choice people are equal to everyone else doesn't mean they should be allowed seats in office. Hire some of our well-trained guards to ensure your next public speaking or SGA election is white and Christian, just as Pat Buchanan and our minority whip (no pun intended) Trent Lott would want it. Also ask about our plans on giving Opus Dei control of our admissions office!
Confirmative Action Bake Sale: Prove how well trickle-down Reaganomics work with another deliciously bold bake sale that gives discounts for rich students! Simply provide physical proof that your family's income is above the $200,000 racket and enjoy our home-baked Corporative Cookies and Millionaire Muffins at the 'smart' cost. Buy pound cake in bulk, and we'll even throw in some Halliburton stock as a bonus!
This article is dedicated to the memory of Henry Kissinger, whom, despite all rational logic, is still alive.
