I hate Mark Zuckerberg. The man behind the website giant Facebook.com isn't a friend of mine, though I am socially obligated to take part in the fake internet world he has created.

The thing I don't understand about Zuckerberg is why does he have to go out of his way to show people how very little friends I have and how very little activities I take part in? I believe the news-feed was created just to make me look bad, because everyday when I sign in to his mock world, his cronies and he how everyone I know is always making new friends, going to new events, joining new groups, while my mini-feed constantly betrays me by showing UNC Charlotte how unpopular I am.

My buddy Tom would never do this to me. That's right, Tom Anderson, co-creator of Myspace.com, has always been a valued friend of mine. Sure, he's not on my friends list anymore cause I don't want to be one of those losers who are friends with only 15 people, one of which is Tom, but he understands that and is OK with it. He knows I'm just trying to act cool, but would never underestimate his importance in my mock internet life. He knows that were I to include him in my friends list, he'd be right up in the top two with "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." He's always there to help me out when I need it. When something is wrong with my Myspace page, he's right there above the bulletin box letting me know that he's working on it for me. I can trust him no matter what.

Zuckerberg however is a different situation. When I joined Facebook, he didn't care to become my friend, and now the only time he talks to me is so he can let me know more privacy-invading maneuvers he is doing to the web site or to let more people see my lack of friends. It used to be that only my fellow students and professors could laugh at my Facebook situation. I'd walk into class and my political science professor would cackle at me because he had more friends than I did, and cause he was invited to the big Halloween party and I wasn't. But now my boss can look and see my patheticness. My pastor can go online and get a good chuckle out of my favorite movies, and my younger brother can sign on and see I'm not really someone he wants to hold as a role model any longer. I came home from school yesterday and found that he had ate the last fruit roll-up that I had been saving, and when I yelled at him about it, he told me he didn't save fruit roll-ups for losers. He's only 12! This is your doing Zuckerberg.

I really only have two options to deal with this Facebook catastrophe. First, I can just start asking random people to be my friends. I considered asking every person that was in my class to be my Facebook friend, but what if they all said no? That would be pretty embarrassing. But where is the line for asking people to be your Facebook friend. Is it after one encounter? If you work on a project with someone in class can you ask them to be your Facebook friend? I don't think so. Someone needs to make some rules for when to ask someone to be your Facebook friend, and I think I'm the man to do it.

Rule number one. You have to have had at least three prior meetings with an individual, and each meeting has to have lasted longer than five minutes. I believe three encounters are enough to symbolize that a person doesn't hate you, because typically when I hate someone I start avoiding them after the second encounter.

That's pretty much the only rule we need.

My other option to avoid my Facebook problem would be to just not have a Facebook account. But somehow, it has gotten to the point in society that if you don't have a Facebook account, people just assumes something is wrong with you. I got my Facebook account in February, only because I was sick of people yelling at me for not having an account. People get really upset when they can't see if you like the band Journey or not. And incase you're wondering, I do.

The Facebook society is confusing to me, but I suppose I don't have a choice but to just deal with it. So if you happen to be on Facebook today, and just happened to search for my page, I'd be more than happy to be your friend; as long as your name isn't Mark Zuckerberg.